Today, while visiting my folks, my Dad let me pick some tomatoes from his garden. Here you see just one of the beauties I plucked from the vines transformed into an awesomely simple Caprese sandwich.

And the olive oil was actually brought straight from Italy by my brother who was recently there on his honeymoon. Sometimes a sandwich is insane because it uses ONLY the freshest ingredients, which can seem pretty crazy these days!

Just about everything’s crispy in this one. Two pancetta crisps and a bit of omelet divide two parmesan cheese crisps. Yup, this Italian-inspired sammy will satisfy any salt craving.

This insanewich contains four big, greasy faux hawk-wearing, fist-pumping Italian meatballs with way too much cheese spewing from their mouths all on an overcrowded bun! They think they’re studs, but really, they’re only studded with garlic. They’re fully sauced and ready to go with a side of hair gel. And for dessert? What else? … Four trashy tarts with lipstick. What could be better than this guido feast!

AKA the Ratwich, this fink sandwich flipped on Don Panini, who’s now doing 25 to life in the cooler. If the Ratwich’s true toppings were ever revealed, it’d be toast!

AKA the “Douche Baguette”, this guido sanguich contains greasy Italian meatballs, salami, provolone cheese, and is topped with way too much saucy attitude. It’s served with cheap cologne and a fake gold chain on the side. It’ll be scarfed down by young, faux hawk-wearing Italian-American types who love techno beats and frequent dance clubs.
Can you see him fumbling in from the club and into his Ma’s basement at 3 am? He’s reeking of smokes, that cheap cologne and stale beer. He’s grabbed that sanguich from the fridge (his Ma made it earlier), and then takes a sloppy bite. One of those greasy meatballs rolls off and lands on the popped-up collar of his $200 shirt. “Ma!” he yells, waking his Mother, “How do ya wash this?!”